Friday, June 06, 2008

Lost Cats and Schizoaffectve Disorder

My friend Andrew's cat died this afternoon.  He was distraught.  He rang me to say he couldn't meet up with me tonight.  He is too upset.  He took the Tom in for a routine check up and emerged with his lifeless body.  Andrew works in a cat sanctuary and has seen many cats get sick and die but that doesn't diminish the pain he feels now.

I was ill last week but managed to avoid the nuthouse.  Sometimes I think I'd rather commit suicide than go back there.  I was told that I was 'neglecting myself' so I spent all week worrying that they would force me to go in.  They didn't, of course.  That's why I'm sitting here writing. (duh!)  One doctor said I put together a compelling, articulate argument against being hospitalised.  I can't even remember what I said.  I am in a state of sheer terror at the thought of returning to hospital.  My main problem is that I have co-morbid illnesses that are rarely seen in one person: schizoaffective disorder and bulimia (I started out as a purging anorectic - now why did I feel the need to tell you that?)

When I am treated for my illness at an eating disorders facility, they do nothing to alleviate symptoms of schizoaffective disorder - heightened mood, delusions etc.  And when I am on an acute ward the psychosis is dealt with but not the bulimia.  So, as you can imagine, I'm kind of difficult to treat.  Now, I'm scared that if I alienate them they will abandon me.  I've seen it happen.  So, I am feeling isolated and afraid.  I woke up this morning to find I had been crying in my sleep.  I can do nothing but sit back and wait for it to pass.  But its taking its own sweet time about it.

I wonder if cats have their very own Feline Grim Reaper.

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