Marginally Less Parasitical

I thought about jumping from the top storey. I told my doctor about my impulses. Hospital was mentioned but I resisted. In the end I emerged from the doctor's with extra meds. Doctor S has perused The Mail on Sunday article and had been as disturbed by it as I was. 'For what it's worth, I think Daily Mail journalists are only marginally less parasitical than the drug addicts and the alcoholics the newspaper is targeting.' His words, not mine. Make of that what you will.

And The Mail on Sunday...

...excels itself once again. My response: (which won't be printed)

I receive supplementary disability living allowance* for a psychiatric disorder but I'm sure those principled, compassionate journalists at The Mail On Sunday will be pleased to learn that I am saving up for a one way trip to Dignitas. Perhaps they'd like to accompany me there to see a job well done. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not wanted. The Nazis had a policy called Aktion T4. Perhaps that should be the next step. We must deal with these people. (Myself included, of course). Grab your torches and sharpen your pitchforks, people, we're going on a witch hunt. What fun!

DLA was originally introduced by the Tories with the intention of saving money. It was also a key feature of their care in the community policy. ** It was intended to keep people out of long term psychiatric facilities. If the Mail on Sunday have their way and this benefit is withdrawn then its recipients will probably face a life in institutions which, incidentally, will cost far more than the taxpayer is currently paying.

Of course, there is another alternative: government sponsored work placement schemes but these will never be implemented because they too cost far more than DLA.

Meanwhile I cling to this:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I have promises to keep

And miles to go before I sleep

And miles to go before I sleep

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, Robert Frost

*It really helps if, on a whim, the hospital in which you are incarcerated (AKA Section Three) decide to perform an EEG on you which detects 'abnormalities'.  Most people aren't so lucky.

**And, my God, they've got a nerve.

A Planet Aflame/Drowned World

Monochrome People

More Shopping

Retro 1950s American 'phone.  (John Lewis).

After the Rain

Self Portrait

Self Portraits, originally uploaded by Bella the Cat.

(New Camera: Panasonic Lumin DMC-FZ18)

Becoming Human

Gloved hands fluttering
Like navy blue bats
An ice sculpture
With red-gold hair
And wide eyes
Stepping from the canvas
I have been working
On her all day
And still she is only half way
To becoming human

The Insomniac - Writing About Myself in the Third Person

She could stay awake all night if she had to. The darkness enveloped her, suffocated her. A black gloved hand over her face. She gazed out of the window into the blueblack sky. The stars were on vacation. Her heartbeat sounded like the Gods pounding on some huge drum. She could feel her own body as it slowly decomposed. This was death in the midst of life. Something or someone more powerful than her had taken control, had seized her autonomy away from her. She was afraid that if she fell asleep she would never wake up. She felt exposed, her innards visible to some great God. Her bones rattled. She was disintegrating. Delusions fought with one another in her head. Oblivion had never been so far away.

Edit: Finally, some good news. A parcel just arrived containing a novel I have been after for ages. Le Sang Des Autres (The Blood of Others) by Simone de Beauvoir. I read it years ago before it went out of print. Watch out for a review if I can be bothered.

Magical Worlds

The Owl and the Pussy Cat

Doodle Bug

Interesting link chronicling the history of identity cards: http://www.historyandpolicy.org/papers/policy-paper-33.html

Discovery

Three Days Grace
(Angry, discordant rock. Love it.)

Check 'em out:

"Never Too Late"

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late

Courtesy of these people.

'I must be running out of luck
'Cos you're not drunk enough to fuck'

Genius.

Here's an alternative view.

Red Beachball

graphics, digital art, mixed media, beachball, balloon, collage, mural

New Med Regime:

Zyprexa
Diazepam
Zolpidem
Effexor

Every morning and every evening without fail. I can feel them rattling around inside me. A pill for every ill. To sleep, to wake, to eat, to starve, to live, to die. They sustain me. They keep me here. Sometimes I just. want. to. stop. Somebody pull the plug. Please. I am being infused by a slow acting poison.

I have been asked to do a reading at a 'Free Tibet' concert later this month. Heaven knows why. People are strange.

Yours Truly, the Queen of the Non-Sequitur.

Lost Cats and Schizoaffectve Disorder

My friend Andrew's cat died this afternoon.  He was distraught.  He rang me to say he couldn't meet up with me tonight.  He is too upset.  He took the Tom in for a routine check up and emerged with his lifeless body.  Andrew works in a cat sanctuary and has seen many cats get sick and die but that doesn't diminish the pain he feels now.

I was ill last week but managed to avoid the nuthouse.  Sometimes I think I'd rather commit suicide than go back there.  I was told that I was 'neglecting myself' so I spent all week worrying that they would force me to go in.  They didn't, of course.  That's why I'm sitting here writing. (duh!)  One doctor said I put together a compelling, articulate argument against being hospitalised.  I can't even remember what I said.  I am in a state of sheer terror at the thought of returning to hospital.  My main problem is that I have co-morbid illnesses that are rarely seen in one person: schizoaffective disorder and bulimia (I started out as a purging anorectic - now why did I feel the need to tell you that?)

When I am treated for my illness at an eating disorders facility, they do nothing to alleviate symptoms of schizoaffective disorder - heightened mood, delusions etc.  And when I am on an acute ward the psychosis is dealt with but not the bulimia.  So, as you can imagine, I'm kind of difficult to treat.  Now, I'm scared that if I alienate them they will abandon me.  I've seen it happen.  So, I am feeling isolated and afraid.  I woke up this morning to find I had been crying in my sleep.  I can do nothing but sit back and wait for it to pass.  But its taking its own sweet time about it.

I wonder if cats have their very own Feline Grim Reaper.

Self Portrait

Didn't eat for days then binged my head off. Food pushers suck. No appetite suppressants. Disappearing oh so slowly...

A link pertaining to me:

http://www.gibbsonline.com/bulimia.html

Apparently, 'the comorbidity of schizophrenia and bulimia nervosa is very rare'.

Interesting.

Apparently I too am to be Denied a Voice

And a charming member of the Great British Blogosphere: Pigdogfucker had this to say:

http://www.pigdogfucker.com/2008/05/17/647/#respond

Readers, are you sane people like DG, or are you paranoid lunatics who think crime is a serious issue worth bothering with? When a woman whose 18-year-old daughter killed herself in jail after being sent there for being a bit mean to an old geezer [*], kills herself out of depression and grief and someone writes a tribute article to her, do you say:
“Pauline Campbell was a brave and compassionate woman. She will be sorely missed.”
or
“Oh, FFS! If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.”

If you have any views on why the bunch of eejits who believe the second point tend to congregate on liberal blogs rather than whimsical blogs about London scenery, feel free to post them in the comments. Also feel free to prove my point by posting ignorant rants in the comments about how Sarah Campbell was, like, EEEVIL JUNKI3 SKUM and deserved to DIE!
[*] yes, the old geezer had a heart condition that the girls didn’t know about, and when they were a bit mean to him he died of fright [**]. This, in a sane world, would be punished in the same way as being a bit mean to anyone else – i.e. mild disapproval. What matters morally is what could be reasonably expected from your actions (for the avoidance of doubt, “being a bit mean to an old geezer” does not allow you to reasonably infer “old geezer will snuff it”), not their actual consequences; and if you don’t understand that then you have the moral sensibilities of a five-year-old.
[**] fucking hell, this is an 18-year-old girl we’re talking about. if you’re an adult male who’s scared of an 18-year-old girl, you don’t deserve to walk this earth, you ridiculous pansy.

(I responded but it wasn't printed)

Apparently, he was old too so the world won't really miss him. Just a minute - isn't that ageism? Aren't we fortunate to have Guardianistas ready and willing to tell us which 'isms; are permissible? You might be able to tell his widow yourself. Maybe these people will let you have her contact details: http://tiny.cc/jGZzx . Although I find it outrageous that they've given her a voice at all. She too is old and therefore expendable so who cares about her feelings? Off to weep copiously for the saintly Pauline Campbell.

The F word, to their credit, did permit me a voice:

Louise said:

Is anyone aware of what happened to Ms Woolley? If most women in British prisons have a mental health problem then it is highly likely that she had one too. I wonder what the repeated insinuations that she was partially responsible for Sarah Campbell's death did to her. Still, it's easier to idolise the dead than it is to help the living.

The Guardian piece, by the way, was more than a tribute piece. It was posted in someone's personal blog on 'Comment Is Free' which implies, to me anyway, that 'comment is free' and it was a pretty dire piece. Their 'tribute' was here and did not permit comments: http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,,2280454,00.html