Je Ne Regrette Rien

I don't know why I chose to pin
My colours to your mast
For this was a war I could not win
A river in which I could not swim
Your reputation is destroyed
The dogs of vengeance are deployed
The newspapers snoop and vultures swoop
Picking over your remains, saying,
'Go on defend her if you must
But be assured we'll grind you into dust'
Yet I did not elect to join the winning side
I did not elect to be swept away by the tide
But still I was sucked in and swallowed whole
I dutifully played my allotted role

They say you hated her
I disagree. I saw you
Foraging for affection
On the day of my defection
You did not ask for much
But she was far too delicate to touch
As incorruptible
As a wedding dress
As pure as an ivory rose
With bright, white petals
Defying the darkness
But she was so hard to impress
Enmeshed in the webbing
Of purity, of perennial insecurity

She is somehow seductive
Gentle, subdued and soft-hued
She was the stone wall you clung to
Like creeping ivy and wandering
Through the wilderness you needed to be close
To the stillness at the centre of the whirlwind
She has never sinned
Ambivalence made no sense
And this was the consequence
The two of you are dissected, then polarised
And you are transformed in their eyes
Reduced to the status of saint and sinner
One spoilt, the other serene
One corpulent, the other lean

You are despised, she is idolised
You are sour as curdled cream
She epitomises youth and truth
A sycophant's wet dream
She is so easy to adore
This is all that remains
A drowned world
A planet aflame
Much has been lost,
And little has been gained
But I do not regret a thing and if I had to
I would do it all again because even the devil,
Yes, even the devil
Deserves an advocate

Suffering in Silence

I can only begin to imagine the kind of pain the family of Mark Saunders must be feeling right now. Losing a loved one to suicide (and that's exactly what it was) is one of the worst things that can happen to you.

Because of my situation (I have a mental illness and have spent rather a lot of time in hospital) I've lost several close friends to suicide. The repercussions of their actions cannot be underestimated. Journalists have repeatedly emphasised the fact that Mr Saunders was a barrister, destined for great things, as if that somehow should have rendered him immune to mental illness. I would imagine, if anything, that his situation exacerbated his condition. He was intelligent and resourceful, a 'high flyer'; he was not expected to ask for help and so he didn't.

Last year an ex boyfriend, A made his fourth suicide attempt. Like Mr Saunders, A was also a high-achiever. He worked in the City and it was amidst the intensity of that world that he had a nervous breakdown. He goes further: he calls it a meltdown. His name for it is his 'Chernobyl'. After his first suicide attempt he requested help. He didn't receive any. All the health services in his area had to offer was a cocktail of medication. People have asked why Mr Saunders did not ask for help. I'm speculating wildly here but maybe he did and was turned away like one in three people suffering from mental health problems who appeal to the NHS for help.

The authorities will conduct their inquiry. We'll shake our heads and ask ourselves why it had to happen and why it should never happen again. But nothing will change and it will happen again. Over and over again.

Moon

The Proprietor of Dreams

I ride with my horse unsaddled
Onto the field of battle, wondering
Just who is the proprietor of my dreams
Is it the moon, corrupted by trees
Whose black branches reach up and up

To caress it. The usurper of a sun
That once witnessed two towers fall
An ineffectual element. In decline.
Each rock is eroded by its sister: the sea
These are the songs all children sing

As newly dead ghosts depart
To join the ancestors. 'One day
We'll be back,' they say, moving away
I drift with the river instead
Grey waves, grey waves, they greet us

And we pour blue blood
Over the red of some pauper
I tried to die a thousand times
But I was always dragged back
To the stench of that trench

The European Night and the American Poetess

The European night is unfamiliar to this American poetess
In a way that she cannot define. The stars are brighter somehow
No matter, it is indeed divine. A lamp burns at her window
It is the star that beckons us home. It seems to smile. At what?
It is displaced by the moon
And our yesterdays call once more

And the moon gloats
At the stars she outshines
Like a brilliant big sister
Are the trees overwhelmed too?

Their fingers reach up, up, up to touch
Her as she dangles there for all to see
What a narcissistic show-off she must be
That full, all-effacing (rather fat, actually) moon

'I think I'm on the side of the Angels'
'No you're not. You're on the side of the cool kids. Watch Mean Girls if you don't get the reference.'

Currently Listening to...

...Blondie's Rip Her to Shreds. It brings to mind a certain spoof blog and no, it's not the Real Steve Jobs. That's actually tremendously witty.

BLONDIE LYRICS

"Rip Her To Shreds"

(Hey! Psst PSST! Here she comes now.)
Oh, you know her, would you look at that hair
Yeah, you know her, check out those shoes
She looks like she stepped out of the middle of somebody's blues

She looks like the Sunday comics
She thinks she's Brenda Starr
Her nose job is real atomic
All she needs is an old knife scar

Yeah, she's so dull, come on rip her to shreds
She's so dull, come on rip her to shreds

Oh, you know her, "Miss Groupie Supreme"
Yeah, you know her, "Vera Vogue" on parade
Red eye shadow! Green mascara!
Yuck! She's too much

She looks like she don't know better
A case of partial extreme
Dressed in a Robert Hall sweater
Acting like a soap opera queen

Yeah, she's so dull, come on rip her to shreds
She's so dull, come on rip her to shreds

She got the nerve to tell me she's not on it
But her expression is too serene
Yeah, she looks like she washes with Comet
Always looking to create a scene

Yeah, she's so dull, come on rip her to shreds
She's so dull, come on rip her to shreds
She's so dull. Rip her to shreds

Oh, you know her, "Miss Groupie Supreme"
Yeah, you know her, "Vera Vogue" on parade
Yeah, you know her, with the fish-eating grin
She's so dull

Yeah, she got the nerve to tell me!
Huh, she's so dull
Yeah, there she goes now
She making out with King Kong
She take her boat to Hong Kong
Well, bye bye sugar
And not a minute too soon

If You Want to Avoid...

...exposing yourself as a refugee from the eighties, then for the love of cake, don't use the word 'ace'. Please.

And take a look at this - the only hospital in the country that attempts to help those afflicted with personality disorders is being closed down. The lunatics really have taken over the asylum.

(Nothing wrong with that - it's just that these are the wrong lunatics.)

Its patients are mostly young women who, after traumatic childhoods often involving horrific sexual abuse, have become bent on self-destruction through prolonged bouts of self-harming, cutting and burning themselves.

The wrong demographic and the wrong kind of mental illness?

WTF?

People seriously believe this woman is fat?  Oh.My.God.  Scalpel, vacuum cleaner.  It's time for a little DIY liposuction.

Apparently I have Nothing Better to Do Than...

hang out at this blog.

punter (qual res) | 12.03.07 - 9:00 am | #

Louise, (for it is you), I have avoided addressing you directly before. Not out of fear but because mental illness is your thing and I tend to avoid accusing FJL directly of mental illness. I know too little about it and it does no good because she simply denies it and throws it back.

My thing? No, I never take credit when it isn't due. Let these people take the credit for that:
http://www.ministryoftruth.me.uk...lower-a-flower/

Hmm, all those people lining up to kiss one guy's ass. An epidemic of backache must have ensued.



But Jailhouse lawyer is not me. He, as far as I know, does not post here and has no need to, because he has his own blog, and he has no record of commenting anonymously. He may well have an ego of his own. He certainly isn't afraid.

Message to Felicity: The next time you commit a crime, make it less serious. Don't target the online world's answer to the people's princess, bash a little old lady over the head with an axe instead. (And remember to use the blunt end because that somehow diminishes culpability.)
It's an excellent career move.



So - quoting what someone else wrote on JHL's blog is a bit of an obscure thing to be doing here.

And I note that you commented 3 times last night and then immediately responded to the first comment here. Are you, as some have suggested, hovering over these pages?

Who has suggested this then? One of your alter-egos? I'm just waiting to see what you'll accuse Ms. Lowde of next. Every misfortune this species has encountered since the fall? Or was she responsible for that too? That serpent was framed. On these pages it has been intimated that she is a prostitute, a holocaust denier and now this. Seriously, mate, are you trying to get her off? You know, if I were FJL I'd have started this blog myself, enticed my accusers (Victims, call them what you will) to comment on it and then induced the defence of provocation.



Please, comment under your own name and don't assume (à la fjl) that this blog or its comments are written by JHL. I dare say he would take credit for his own work. He has done so far.

And your given name is 'Punter'. And Shurly Some Mistake's name is 'Shurly Some Mistake'? Whatever.

I'm afraid you're the one making erroneous assumptions. You may not wish to take credit for other people's work but someone else certainly does. One of your...um...masterpieces was plagiarised on the comments section of my blog. The person responsible had Mr. Hirst's portal on his blogroll.

If Ms. Lowde is an attention junkie, then you are her dealers.

The Chattering Classes Go On...Well, Chattering

Another gem from the hideously parochial 'British Blogosphere':

The actor put in jail for downloading pornography has had his sentence cut and will be out later today. As Rachel has said just being in possession of things doesn't necessarily mean that you are wicked and vile and I would agree with her here.

http://henrynorthlondon.blogspot.com/2007/11/langham-freed.html

Mr. Langham's release will create an extra place in our prison system for that most dreaded of criminals: the Cyberstalker. Are these people for real? It works like this: without the demand there is less incentive to supply. It's not exactly rocket science and it certainly shouldn't be beyond the intellectual grasp of a former doctor.

There He Goes Again

There he goes again
That mad megalomaniacal monarch
Severing heads and hanging heathens
With one look we could condemn ourselves
One word out of place is treason
And often he executes without reason

He sits on his throne
A sumptuous feast spread out before him
He watches as the executioner does his work
He slurps amd slavers as he anticiptes
Future killings and bestial bloodlettings
While all around him subjects shudder

'Your Majesty, it was not I,'
They cry but it is rather like addressing
The indifferent sky. With a gloved hand
He waves them away. He has never had
So much fun. Power makes him high
Power makes him fly....

....And his reign has only just begun

Burying Someone is One Thing...

Dancing on their grave is quite another: http://streamsofutternonsense.blogspot.com/

And, yes, I'm posting on this issue again. So, sue me. (Oops maybe I shouldn't have said that. They probably will.)

In response to this, from Wombat Blogger:

'Although few have any sympathy with a seriously ill person at the centre of events, the fact is that the pattern of harassment and abuse that is much more serious than some realise, is likely to continue until proper medical help is offered and accepted.'

So, you acknowledge that she is ill? How very charitable of you. Please tell me how all this is supposed to help. I know of no doctor who would reccommend this course of action.

Just one more thing. This little nugget of wisdom was left on Ms. Lowde's blog by an individual known as 'Jailhouse Lawyer'. (respected and admired by some of you - I'm told I shouldn't judge you collectively but I can do little else as I don't know who you are.):

''Glad to hear that you are homeless. I am sure that men will give you a bed for the night in return for your sexual favours.'

'So, not only have you lost your head you have lost your house. LOL.'

Do you condemn it?

A 'yes' or 'no' will suffice.

____________

The middle class liberal elite, just as vicious and merciless in their way as their working class counterparts who persecute paediatricians because their favourite newspaper tells them to hunt down paedophiles, only worse, much worse because they think they are superior.

Have You Ever Noticed...

...how middle class 'liberals' cease to be quite so 'liberal' when their own interests are threatened?

The Queen and the Great Revolution

Little empires crumbled
Miniature kingdoms toppled
As the princess became a queen
And men knelt, grovelling
At the feet of this new matriarch
She loved no one but herself
The peasants that lined the roads
Were but money-making machines
Fairy tale figures - Snow White,
Rose Red and Little Red Riding Hood
So pure, so soft, so good
To be trodden underfoot

They threw flowers at the motorcade
A rainstorm of roses aimed at that princess
Her feelings were suppressed
By vodka, vodka, vodka
'She is an angel,' they said
But that was long before
The Great Revolution
When this new Queen dreamed
Of cutting out the tongues
Of rabid republicans
Now she is still the centre of attention
She is still the star of the show.

But she is not adored anymore
And up in that dock she can smell
Her own blood, her own death
And those who once revelled in her grace
Will dance jubilantly,
Madly, on her grave.

I just couldn't let it lie..

'A case study in madness'?

This 'Dan Hart'...is he a psychiatrist as well as a fine arts graduate? And if Ms. Lowde is indeed a 'case study in madness' then that makes the lynch mob on here about a thousand times worse than she is. A case study in hypocrisy, methinks. There's a bit of Matthew Hopkins in all of you.

These people make you proud to be British, don't they?

It's worth noting that, in the States, attacking someone for being mentally ill is regarded with as much disapproval as attacking someone because of their race. And we have the audacity to mock them for their perceived lack of sophistication.

PS: BellaCat is really fat again :cool:

It's not the band we hate...

It's their fans.

In response to this:

Don't get too complacent. I've seen exactly the same behaviour by your compatriots on Usenet. But yes - these people are slightly deranged. Some of them actually believe that denigrating someone over the internet is more reprehensible than battering an old lady to death with an axe. Strange days indeed.

I recall one particular case in which the 'culprit' was a guy from Madison County, Wisconsin. However, I do not remember anyone criticising his physical appearance or suggesting that part of his rehabilitation should consist of performing sexual favours for the opposite sex.

I can't imagine why that could be.

Can you?

Shopaholism Alert

Frivolous and self indulgent I know but I really don't think I'll be able to resist this one.

My Friend Lisa

Let me tell you a few things about my friend Lisa. She suffers from a mental illness known as bipolar affective disorder. She has spent about a year of her life in hospital. She does not complain, she does not make a fuss and, as far as I am aware, she poses no danger to anyone except herself. And she tries. God damn it - she tries. She has a part time job (she teaches at a local FE college), she has a certificate of higher education. She has a social life and a multitude of friends: a testament to her generosity of spirit but she often wakes up in the morning disappointed that she is still here.

It would be so easy for Lisa to 'play dead', to curl up into a ball, to cut off all connection to the world. But she doesn't do this. She throws herself headlong into living. She has all the qualities that should be nurtured in a human being. One would imagine that she would be rewarded for her efforts. One would imagine that she would be rewarded for such behaviour. However, far from being rewarded, she is penalised. She has discovered that the single source of help she receives from the state has been withdrawn. She has been told that from now on she is not entitled to the assistance of a psychiatric nurse because she appears to be 'doing so well'. She replied to this news with the words: 'Has it ever occurred to you that one of the reasons I am doing so well is regular contact with the CPN?' She pleaded with the team that manages her care to reinstate her CPN but to no avail. She asked if the action taken by her psychiatric team was a result of the drastic cuts to the health budget in this area. They admitted that this was part of the reason behind their decision. Whenever there are cuts it always seems to be the people who make the effort who are affected the most.

Rightly or wrongly, I cannot help contrasting Lisa's case with Andy's. He is abusive, regularly indulges in criminal activity yet he has a string of helpers traipsing in and out of his flat: social workers, CPNs, occupational therapists, you name it, he has it. Message received and understood: those who shout the loudest receive the most whereas those who make any kind of effort to engage with the world beyond the mental illness ghetto are penalised. Those who harm others are valued more than those who pose a threat only to themselves. Conclusion: the only way to receive help is to give up, curl into a ball and play dead. Fine in the short term but has anybody stopped to consider the long term consequences of this policy? Somehow I doubt it.

It's Official...

If you are a size 12 you are now a heffalump and, according to the fashion industry nothing above a size 2-4 will do (Auschwitz chic is so adorable, dontcha think?) and nothing and no one can ever change that - even feminists. (Sound familiar? I wonder if Emmeline Pankhurst ever heard the words 'women can't vote and nothing and no one can ever change that - even feminists'.) This is my idea of beauty. I'd say she's probably a size 12. Take that, you masochistic Fashionistas!

Get mad here: http://www.dollymix.tv/

Spin, Spin, Spin

Any coincidence that this blogger and every daily mail reviewer are gushing, simply gushing over the latest Harry Potter? Mutual mirrors - 100% Spin, 0% Substance.

And no, I'm not an old misery who doesn't appreciate magic - as I said The Worst Witch totally rocks. Go Mildred! I'm off to reread The Magic Faraway Tree.

I tend to be able to detach myself from all this mass hysteria. It's like everyone's been swept away by some tsunami and I am left stranded on the shore. Kind of scary. By the way, I didn't really 'get' the 'Diana' thing either. I know - I must have a heart of granite. Even the priest in the confessional expressed astonishment when I told him that. 'B...b..but she's a saint,'* he spluttered. Is there something wrong with me? Or is it the rest of the world?

*Just kidding.

OMGWTF? My neighbour, Doug, bought me a copy of Deathly Hallows. I guess I'll have to read it then.

'Curiouser and Curiouser,' said the Theology Graduate

Curiouser and curiouser.

Maybe she'll get to share a cell in Holloway with Felicity Whatsherface. Maybe they can anchor their respective mental illnesses to some kind of religion so that everyone, even their victims, will be tying themselves in knots in a fruitless attempt to understand why they did what they did.

Stalking, murder, stalking, murder...which is worse? You decide.

Oh, and it would appear that the rest of the world disagrees with the self-appointed bastions of British Blogdom (bloggery? Buggery?) who fought so hard to bring Ms Lowde to 'justice'.

'There is a very weird witchhunt-y feel to all this stuff about tracking her down

On reading the two blogs, that's my feeling as well. From what I can tell, what we seem to have here are two female bloggers involved in a catfight. One is popular and politically astute. The other is quite smart but clearly has serious psychological problems. Both seem to take great pleasure in publicly needling the other, but the astute one knows what lines she can and can't cross, how to whip up public support, and how to use the system to her advantage, while the unhinged one is obviously isolated and in need of help.

After reading the two blogs, I can't help but think I'd much prefer the more overtly insane one -- even though you know that eventually she'd turn on you over some imagined slight as well.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:13 AM on May 28

Damn straight!

At Last

The establishment shows some backbone. Read about this miracle here. Some readers have commented that Salmon Rushdie's knighthood was only conferred upon his to inflame the Islamic world. Gotta love collective paranoia. There is an alternative suggestion: maybe he was honoured because he has succeeded in producing an extensive and compelling body of work. Why should we let any religious group dictate who is 'honoured'? This is supposed to be a secular society. Why should we capitulate to the hysterical demands of religious extremists?

Intellectual freedom, anybody? Sanity prevails for once. A true miracle indeed.