Rie in Central Park

looking rather discombobulated.

A Comment on the Lawz Epizode

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (so vain)
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

Dedicted to Lawz and MusicBoy (who also doesn't count 'Honour' among his many virtues)

Laptop Cemetery

Three laptops broken. My flat is a laptop cemetery. This explains why I have been off-line for so long. It's a disgrace. I should be reported to the RSPCL (the Royalty Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Laptops). 'You should treat it like a little flower,' the guy in the repair shop said when I took one in. Someone hand me a bucket. 'When you pluck a flower from the ground, you turn it into a corpse,' I told him. I got that odd look I am beginning to find so familiar and, yes, even comforting. I don't belong. I am different. I am special.

Or maybe I am just deluding myself.

I have a PhD in self-delusion.
And manipulative self-deprecation.

More Bella

bella2
Originally uploaded by rielouise.

I am an oil painting! Wheeeee!
(See The Ugly Duckling)

Over the Pacific

Above and below, a great abyss
The sea and the sky, they unify
They come together to greet me
This is it. I have anticipated it.
The end. My personal precipice

I do not know why but I have always
Longed to fly, to surge though the sky
For I was raised in mountainous country
As close to the clouds as you could get
While still being anchored to the earth

Agape, I traced the shape
Of the stars by night
Of the clouds by day
I wanted to hurl myself
Into that everlasting

Darkness or the everlasting blue
I'd watch the stars stream past
Forming a pattern I could not comprehend
And my last inner visions of those mountains
My last thought is of a village - desolate and decaying

As I plunge into the ocean
Once a combatant, now I capitulate
There is no desolation, no wasteland here
I am what I always wanted to be
A part of the waves; a part of the sea.

Everybody Hurts...

I am empty. I have no desires. I do not need 3-D people. In short, I am a professional misanthrope. I want to live in an empty,dark room and stare into nothingness. I want oblivion.

But I am being bombarded by people. I go to work and am assaulted by demands - helping people fill out their benefits forms, on the 'phone all day to employers, arranging work experience. 'Give these people a chance. Yes, I know they're nus. Yes, I know they've never done any paid work. But they have potential.' (It takes some effort to summon up the conviction it takes to utter these words. And when I get home there's socializing, partying,whatever you want to call it. In these dark days it's compulsory, apparently. Making 'witty' remarks, indulging in bland conversations with people I cannot stand.

It's all meaningless.

I've got to get up and turn off Patch Adams. It's really pissing me off.

Flossy Sheep

Flossy Sheep
Originally uploaded by Bella the Cat.

Flossy the Sheep...
An eternal comfort
An eternal memory

I hope you're reading this...
Mr. Mathmo.

I miss you.

BLACK BOYS ON MOPEDS

(Sinead O'Connor)

Margareth Thatcher on TV
Shocked by the deaths that took place in Beijing
It seems strange that she should be offended
The same orders are given by her

I've said this before now
You said I was childish and you'll say it now
"Remember what I told you
If they hated me they will hate you"

England's not the mythical land of Madame George and roses
It's the home of police who kill black boys on mopeds
And I love my boy and that's why I'm leaving
I don't want him to be aware that there's
Any such thing as grieving

Young mother down at Smithfield
5 am, looking for food for her kids
In her arms she holds three cold babies
And the first word that they learned was "please"

These are dangerous days
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
"Remember what I told you
If you were of the world they would love you"

England's not the mythical land of Madame George and roses
It's the home of police who kill blacks boys on mopeds
And I love my boy and that's why I'm leaving
I don't want him to be aware that there's
Any such thing as grieving.

Courtesy of: http://www.lyricscafe.com/o/oconnor_sinead/050.htm

Sailors Are Mad

Sailors are mad. It's official. It came straight from the Neighbourhood Oracle - Doug - himself. In his Uncle Albert mode Doug - 'During the war...' (I mean that affectionately. I am fascinated by his war stories. So fascinated, in fact, that I frequently visit him accompanied by by my Ipaq)- told me so. He worked as an auxiliary nurse in the R.A.F. before he joined the Commando Unit and was sent to Sicily. He worked in a military psychiatric hospital and most of his patients were sailors. The worst case he encountered was that of a Swedish sailor who was in the final stages of syphilis who was homicidal and suicidal and heading towards death.

More Tales from the Neighbourhood Oracle to come...

Outerspace - Potential New Background

Land of Plenty

I watch as within
A tall terraced house
On a long, snaking street
A family gathers
My fingers turn blue
And I covet the orange hue
Beyond the glass
Beyond my reflection
They laugh, they talk,
Their voices muffled
By space, by time
‘Will you take me?’
Asks this emotional refugee
From the land of famine
To the land of plenty.

Searching In Vain...

For a home on the web. There is another forum I failed to mention in my last post on this subject: Chavscum.co.uk, a hilarious website in which people vent their spleens on a group of people that prior to visiting that site were beyond the realms of my world. Tracksuit-wearing, Burberry clad hooligans, apparently. A year ago I wouldn't have known what a 'chav' was if I fell over him in the street. This website is frequently alluded to by members of the forum I mentioned in a previous post (The one that I sometimes think should be called 'Snobs Reunited') And then I bought my brother some books from the 'Humour' section of Borders for Christmas. Naturally, I read them all myself first, only opening them so far, to avoid breaking their spines. One of them was entitled: Chavs: A Guide to Britain's New Ruling Classes. According to this book these 'chav' people are social parasites: they claim benefits (oops, I've claimed sickness benefit in the past. Better tick that box), they live in council accommodation (another box to tick - even though I am a leaseholder), wear a lot of 'bling'. (Ostentatious fake gold jewelry - well, thank the Lord for that. I was getting worried there!), commit petty crime (I have to confess that I did inadvertently take a packet of face washes from M&S b/c they were right next to the free knives and forks and I concluded (quite reasonably, imho) that they too were free.)

In short, they are society's latest scapegoats, easy targets. Just one more bunch of witches for us to burn. The contributors to this site cannot agree exactly what constitutes a 'Chav'. One moment a forumite is saying that behaviour not attire makes one a 'Chav' and the next someone else is babbling on about council house-dwelling benefit scroungers. Which is it to be? Make up your mind, people! I joined the forum on a less than auspicious note. My username was 'SylviaPlathII'. When I objected to the class prejudice on the forum I was told to 'Go put (sic) your head in a gas oven like your predecessor'. I said that I wished I could and then attempted to explain the differences between coal gas and North Sea gas but I think was lost on this rather charming individual. I departed, the site was revamped and I returned a few weeks later using the screenname Isobel. My avatar was a painting of a supercilious looking young woman, her hair piled high on her head in a bun, turning away from the artist - a virginal governess.

Unfortunately, as soon as I rejoined., a rather mediocre newspaper columnist who used to contribute to Varsity, and now writes for The Independent wrote a piece on 'the Chav phenomenon' and chastised Chavscum.com in particular for its negative portrayal of 'the working classes'.(I thought they'd all dies off along with the this country's manufacturing industries.) The forum rose up against Johann Hari. Some went so far as to issue death threats against him. Some of them even got the idea that the persona I had adopted was Johann Hari or one of his colleagues in The Independent. I made the mistake of providing a link to a satirical article in Varsity written by a student who announced that she was 'proud to be a chav'. (Wonderfully ironic, ripping snobs everywhere to pieces). At this point I was banned and my I.P. Address was blocked. I was called a Johann Hari Collaborator by Mr. Chavscum (Naturally, I was mortally wounded). With the aid of a proxy-server I re-subscribed under the pseudonym of a character I played at The Birmingham Arts Centre when I was in my teens. I find the forum amusing and I don't threaten them and they don't threaten me.

Lesson: It pays to use honey rather than vinegar. I should try it more often. Oh, but hurling vinegar into people's faces is so much fun.

Moi Yet Again...

The Prescription

The doctor
He says to me
I wish to God
You'd go to sleep
For eternity
So he prescribes
Something to end
My troublesome
Malady

‘Take ten Temazipam
And lie down
And sleep
For the rest
Of the century…

Alternatively
And preferably
For me, take twenty
And lie down for
A century or two.’

Insured - Or Maybe Not

What exactly is the point of home-contents insurance, if, when you make a claim, they do everything in their power to avoid paying out? I think the whole thing is what is generally known as a 'swizz'. As a friend said they start from basis that you are somehow trying to cheat them and the other innocent policy holders (I think that's called 'divide and conquer') and then they place so many obstacles in your path that you eventually say 'F*** this for a game of snakes and ladders' and withdraw your claim. Apparently, they even have voice analysis on their telephones and if you sound nervous or upset or anxious they use this as evidence that you are lying. Riiiiiight...and I'm not supposed to sound anxious and upset after going through a traumatic ordeal.

I put this to a rather rude guy on the other end of the 'phone when I rang to respond to yet another letter querying my claim. His response was: 'If I had a pound for every policy-holder who's said that to me.' I guess it's never occurred to him that people keep saying it because it's true. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then there's a good chance it may well be a duck.

The adviser I spoke to at the citizens' advice bureau had a rather different perspective: 'If I had a pound for every client who came in here experiencing problems with insurance companies who refuse to pay up I think I'd be a billionaire.'

I have an insurance policy with Lloyd's Bank (I purchased insurance from there because they are a bank I have had dealings with ever since I was a child. I opened an account with them when I was about six and got a welcome pack which included one of those 'black horse' money boxes) but it is underwritten by Royal and Sun Alliance, who seem to underwrite just about every other high-street bank's insurance policy so the consumer doesn't have that much choice.

I have fourteen days to answer their 'queries'. I see the Royal and Sun Alliance (an ultra powerful multinational company) as a steam-roller coming towards me but I have no intention of moving.

I didn't get the opportunity to speak to the woman who raised these queries but I hope she looks good enough to appear on Watchdog.

My Small Blue World

Gold Dust

"Gold Dust"
Tori Amos

Sights and sounds
pull me back down
another year

I was here
I was here

Whipping past
the reflecting pool
Me and you
skipping school

And we make it up
as we go along
We make it up we
go along

You said -
you raced from langley -
pulling me underneath
a cherry blossom
canopy
-do i have-
of course i have,
beneath my raincoat,
I have your photographs.
and the sun on your
face
I'm freezing that frame

and somewhere alfie cries
and says "enjoy his every smile
you can see in the dark
through the eyes of laura mars"
how did it go so fast
you'll say
as we are looking
back
and then we'll
understand
we held gold dust
in our
hands

Sights and sounds
pull me back down
another year

I was here
I was here

Gaslights
glow in the street
(flickering past)
Twilight held us
in her palm
as we walked along

And we make it up
as we go along
We make it up as we go along

Letting names
hang in the
air
what color hair
(auburn crimson)
autumn knowingly
stared
and the day that
she came
I'm freezing that
frame
I'm freezing that frame

And somewhere alfie
smiles
and says "Enjoy her
every cry
you can see in the
dark
through the eyes
of Laura Mars"

How did it go so
fast
you'll say as we are looking back
and then we'll understand
we held gold dust
in our
hands

In our
hands

Courtesy of: http://www.azlyrics.com/a/amos.html

More Drama

More drama and heated debates on that forum I frequent. (a la The Mrs Merton Show ) . I lost my 'home on the web' along time ago. An eating disorders support group, intended, as the name suggests, to provide peer-to-peer support for people suffering from (yes, you've guessed it) eating disorders. It imploded (inadvertently assisted by me when I objected to the hypocrisy and deception that were rife on there towards the end). I now avoid 'support' groups because, frequently, the last thing in the world they are is 'supportive'. Towards the end it was replete with bickering, one-upmanship and 'survival of the sickest'. You know, the 'I'm the only gay in this village' syndrome. (Little Britain). The forum I frequent now has changed its name a few times and used to be affiliated to Usenet. Unlike many other V-Bulletin Fora it has a very enigmatic administrator. I first encountered him back in 2001 when he used to post in certain technical newsgroups on Usenet and I was doing my MPhil and carting Andy (aka: The Pseudo Messiah) back and forth to evening classes at the local sixth form college where he was studying for A-levels in psychology and law.



Andy inevitably gave up on his studies. What a surprise. After I had accompanied him to every lesson, to take notes for him because of his deteriorating sight...

Anyway, back to 'The Forum Which Shall Remain Nameless'. The Enigmatic Administrator is the brother of a rather famous newspaper columnist (a star that rose and then imploded just as fast). He is the author of a number of novels (now out of print), all chronicling the Money Is God philosophy that many adhered to in the late '80s/early '90s. (Ah, yes, I remember it well!) An ex-boyfriend of mine was acquainted with the Enigmatic Admin's brother. Small world, huh? The Enigmatic Admin goes to great lengths to disguise his identity but the details of his life are but a click of a mouse away. It amazes me that people ten years younger than me, people who have imbibed this technology with their mother's milk haven't quite worked that out yet. In the words of the immortal Kryten in Red Dwarf: 'Smug Mode!' . I'd like to send a message to Enigmatic Administrator: if you wish to keep your identity secret then, for God's sake, urge your brother to quit boasting about you in national newspapers.

Acclaim or anonymity - your choice.

Oh, and another vent about this particular forum. They have the prime candidate for The Worst Mod In The Universe. She was there for five minutes and was upgraded to mod status. She and I have had many disagreements. Not least about 'feminism'. 'I despise uber-feminists,' she states. (In other words all feminists.) Fine, then relinquish the right to vote. And give up the right to study. Because, without feminists, she wouldn't have the right to do either.

My very humble opinion:

Anatomy is not destiny
Class origin is not destiny
Race is not destiny
Character is destiny.

Unfortunately, many of the so called hyper-intellectuals on that forum would beg to differ.
And I find that terrifying.

My Inner Volcano

Monstrous

We shall never put it back together again
Fragments and shreds and segments
Forever disjointed. Machine gun fire and missiles
Emerge from the mouth of the enemy
It worsens daily

Perhaps they see themselves as God's mouthpiece
Oracle of the deceased or of some great
Historical figure
For many decades now we have toiled
To purge this filth from our land

It is a fruitless task
And we citizens know it
We grovel like ants across the yawning
Void that used to be tomorrow, that used to be the morning,
Over field laced with landmines
To restore the colossal castles and towers and tawdry powers

The once cloudless sky
Is now desecrated by the dye
Of foreign occupation, of a desolate nation
Now as pitiful and as forgotten as some dead peasant brat
Daughter of an ancient and useless serf
The flesh and bones and body of this country are tainted

Order, displaced by chaos. Grace disgraced by anarchy.
It took such effort
To create such a catastrophe
On endless, sleepless nights, I stand right here,
A lone partisan, sheltering from the wind.

Eyeing the uniformed soldiers
That roam the streets
The sun rises, revealing crumbling pillars
I am betrothed to this shadowy
And decaying city
There will never be any other life but this
For me.

PMs from a Particular Forum

Told you I'd post 'em:
(I wasn't 'unofficially banned'. That was good old paranoia. Thanks to a phenomenal mod. But, as they say, one bad apple...)

Apologies for the formatting...

(My stuff is in italics)

The following is verbatim quotations of my Personal Messages at . It is an interesting illustration, I think, of the phenomenon of 'Group think' and the viciousness to which some people can resort, even, tragically, those who consider themselves educated and thus 'superior' to those who haven't been fortunate enough to receive the advantages in life that they have:
The Forum - Re: Additionally

Welcome to Forum, BellaCat.
You last visited: 7 Hours Ago at 06:10 AM
Private Messages: 0 Unread, Total 89.

(snipped)
Private Message: Re: Additionally
18 Hours Ago - 06:41 PM - 07-05-2005
Lawz-
Trinidad's finest
Forum Subscriber Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oxford - ChCh
Posts: 2,968

Re: Additionally



Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lawz-
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat
I think you'll need professional industrial cleaners to wash all that blood off the walls off your luxury penthouse if you intend to follow in Bateman's footsteps. And I'm sure you'll be rich, successful etc until the police come burst in to find a severed head in your microwave.

If you have any problems with UEA then voice them on the forum. The course I am embarking on is an end in itself, not a means to an end. Probably an alien concept to you.


Did you actually read the book? He doesnt kill anyone sweetheart ... he imagines it. He's CRAZY - a concept Im sure YOU can appreciate. If I have problems with UEA I should voice them? Why? I think its a **** university... I dont see Why I have to spend my time informing the world of it... I have better things to do...

I have to agree that the degree will be an end in itself though - it certainly isnt a means to anything coming from that university.

Oh, God, not you again.
It's the MA in Creative Writing, sweetheart.

OK well ... enjoy your disorder and man-like features ... This has been fun - but I have better things to do that coax you towards suicide - beneficial though that is to society... so ta ta.
__________________
Dude: They kept saying they believe in nothing.

Walter: Nihilists! Jesus. Say what you like about the tenets of
National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

(snipped)

The Forum - Re: Additionally

Welcome to The Forum, BellaCat.
You last visited: 7 Hours Ago at 06:10 AM
Private Messages: 0 Unread, Total 89.

(Snipped)
Private Message: Re: Additionally
19 Hours Ago - 06:35 PM - 07-05-2005
Lawz-
Trinidad's finest
Forum Subscriber Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oxford - ChCh
Posts: 2,969

Re: Additionally



Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat

I think you'll need professional industrial cleaners to wash all that blood off the walls of your luxury penthouse if you intend to follow in Bateman's footsteps. And I'm sure you'll be rich, successful etc until the police come bursting in to find a severed head in your microwave.

If you have any problems with UEA then voice them on the forum. The course I am embarking on is an end in itself, not a means to an end. Probably an alien concept to you.

Did you actually read the book? He doesnt kill anyone sweetheart ... he imagines it. He's CRAZY - a concept Im sure YOU can appreciate. If I have problems with UEA I should voice them? Why? I think its a **** university... I dont see Why I have to spend my time informing the world of it... I have better things to do...

I have to agree that the degree will be an end in itself though - it certainly isnt a means to anything coming from that university.
__________________
Dude: They kept saying they believe in nothing.

Walter: Nihilists! Jesus. Say what you like about the tenets of
National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Lawz-
View Public Profile
Challenge Lawz- in the Arcade
Send a private message to Lawz-
Find all posts by Lawz-
Add Lawz- to Your Buddy List

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:40 PM.

Snipped





More Nuttiness from The Lawz... Trinidad's Finest


Private Message: Re: Additionally
1 Day Ago - 02:28 PM - 07-05-2005
Lawz-
Trinidad's finest
The Forum Subscriber Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oxford - ChCh
Posts: 3,017

Re: Additionally
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat
I think you have a disorder - you are a sociopath. And a tosser - but I would imagine that's your only outlet. And a bullshitter as well. I don't believe for a minute you've modelled for anyone. If so, where and when? I find it terrifying that they let you into Oxford. All I can say is those magic words - grade inflation.

Your tone reminds me of Patrick Bateman, the protagonist of Bret Easton Ellis's American Psycho. I suggest you read it. You may find yourself reflected in those pages.



No no no sweety - YOU are the one with a disorder ... not me - remember? Or maybe the whole BDD is something you like to make up - its nice having an imaginary disease huh? I could care less if you believe me about the modeling... its the truth. Your bitterness is clouding the matter... but hey - tell yourself whatever makes you feel better.

As to getting into Oxford - I came second out of 280 people at undergrad and am now a postgraduate on the most competitive legal course in the world. Not to mention the fact that I beat out over 1200 applicants for my job which I begin afterwards... See what type of job you land after UEA... almost makes me laugh… maybe you can clean my house?

As to comparing me to Bateman... thanks ... I appreciate it. And I have read the book. In fact I model myself on him...

How’s that whole slitting your wrists thing coming? You can do it - you know itll feel better once you're dead.
__________________
Dude: They kept saying they believe in nothing.

Walter: Nihilists! Jesus. Say what you like about the tenets of
National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Private Message: Re: Additionally
1 Day Ago - 01:33 PM - 07-05-2005
Lawz-
Trinidad's finest
The Forum Subscriber Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oxford - ChCh
Posts: 3,017

Re: Additionally



Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat
I was referring to a whole bunch of people.

But, never mind, you have no idea what a favour you have done for me. I'm going to print your lovely comments off and shove 'em into the smug faces of the medical profession. 'BDD, my ass,' I shall say. 'You bunch of bullshitters!' What do you think, as a lawyer - think I'm enititled to plastic surgery - AT THE TAXPAYERS EXPENSE? After all, my face is an offence to society. Woo hoo. Anyway, I may even throw an emerald your way.

Once again, thanks for the favour.

Ciao, Sweetpea

PS: you were a catalogue model? Well, you have the perfect face for modelling shoes.


OHHHH so it makes it better that you were insulting a NUMBER of people - not just me?

HAHAHA ... wow not only do you look like a transvestite, but you are also wonderfully idiotic. Nice to see you'll fit right in at UEA - fine educational institution that that is - You are gonna use MY posts as evidence of a disorder for the medical profession? hahahahahaha... wow .. what a moron.

Anyway - nice that you think you're qualified to comment on my looks ... your opinion on what I'm fit to model is really neither here nor there... those making the clothes and the catalogue seem to disagree... the opinion of a troll like you is pretty meaningless.

Anyway... enjoy plastic surgery - I think its a great idea ... just make sure and DIE on the operating table. That is if you dont do society a favour and kill yourself first.
__________________
Dude: They kept saying they believe in nothing.

Walter: Nihilists! Jesus. Say what you like about the tenets of
National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Private Message: Re: Additionally
2 Days Ago - 11:09 PM - 06-05-2005
Lawz-
Trinidad's finest
The Forum Subscriber Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oxford - ChCh
Posts: 3,017

Look I could care less... honestly ... like I KEEP saying - I dont feel bad ... I dont feel even the SLIGHTEST bit guilty - its not like I was insulting you for no reason ... if you want everyone to be so sensitive to you because you are ugly, then why not impart the same level of sensitivity to others?


What are you talking about? I was addressing your stance in a debate and you chose to denigrate my appearance.

BTW: Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? I suggest you invest in a good sun-blocker. Or stop drinking so much.

You made reference to my need to be medicated ... hardly sticking to the issues
__________________
Dude: They kept saying they believe in nothing.

Walter: Nihilists! Jesus. Say what you like about the tenets of
National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Private Message: Re: Additionally
2 Days Ago - 09:05 PM - 06-05-2005
Lawz-
Trinidad's finest
The Forum Subscriber Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oxford - ChCh
Posts: 3,017

Re: Additionally



Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lawz-
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lawz-
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lawz-
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaCat

How exactly do I have 'eyebrows' like transvestite'?

I have pale skin, dark eyebrows. What did my appearance have to do with anything?

You're not exactly Adonis yourself but I didn't feel the need to stoop to that level.

Shall I tear the flesh of my face off for your benefit?


Well you look like a transvestite because they are unusually bushy for a woman ... it makes you look like a man if you must know.

How did you know I was talking about you anyway?
Why the assumption?

I didnt say I was an adonis ... but I have done some catalogue modelling... so Im pretty comfortable with my looks.

As to whether I stooped to a level - you were the one to get personal first.

You are sick.
Keep away from me.

Im quite well actually.

But as to keeping away from you tranny ... sure thing ... pity you can dish it out but not take it huh?

I've posted both of your offensive messages to the mods.

Congratualtions. You want a cookie?

I also intend to post what you've written on the forums - just to they can see what you're truly like, bitter and misogynistic. And then maybe I'll see what they're truly like.

2 cookies?

LOL Misogynistic - sure - care to back that up? Do you understand what that word means?

Post anythign you want to them ... you get personal - so do I - its a fairly human reaction ...
__________________
Dude: They kept saying they believe in nothing.

Walter: Nihilists! Jesus. Say what you like about the tenets of
National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

It kind makes me weep for the future of this nation...
Or is that a trpical overRIEaction .

Ans, yes, I am aware that American Psycho is an allegory of 80s Wall Street and its excess.

This guy, by the way, claims to be an 'atheist'. No, my friend, you have a God and it is the almighty Dollar/Pound Stirling/Insert Alternative Currency. (This guy is allergic to punctuation, b.t.w.!)

Another Sneaky Pic

Lyrics - Sinead O'Connor's The Emperor's New Clothes

I am listening to this repeatedly. It encapsulates what is going on in my life at the moment:

It seems like years since you held the baby
While I wrecked the bedroom
You said it was dangerous after Sunday
And I knew you loved me
He thinks I just became famous
And that's what messed me up
But he's wrong
How could I possibly know what I want
When I was only twenty-one?
And there's millions of people
To offer advice and say how I should be
But they're twisted
And they will never be any influence on me
But you will always be
You will always be

If I treated you mean
I really didn't mean to
But you know how it is
And how a pregnancy can change you

I see plenty of clothes that I like
But I won't go anywhere nice for a while
All I want to do is just sit here
And write it all down and rest for a while
I can't bear to be in another city
One where you are not
I would return to nothing without you
If I'm your girlfriend or not

Maybe I was mean
But I really don't think so
You asked if I'm scared
And I said so

Everyone can see what's going on
They laugh `cause they know they're untouchable
Not because what I said was wrong
Whatever it may bring
I will live by my own policies
I will sleep with a clear conscience
I will sleep in peace

Maybe it sounds mean
But I really don't think so
You asked for the truth and I told you
Through their own words
They will be exposed
They've got a severe case of
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes

Courtesy of:
http://www.lyricscafe.com/o/oconnor_sinead/049.htm

They Rip You to Pieces

A strange 'mixed bag' kind of entry. The latest new from my corner of the world:

1) Andrew Lansley (Con) is now my MP. He is the shadow health secretary. There doesn't seem to be much choice in this country anymore. The political landscape has imploded. The Liberal Democrats aren't terribly 'liberal', the Conservatives left nothing to conserve and as for Labour - well, they appear to have abandoned their traditional support base all together. I voted Lib Dem, primarily on the basis of local issues. There was no point in voting Labour. They don't stand a chance in South Cambs. Anne Campbell lost Cambridge. The whole world is turning upside down.

2) Andy Lee (incidentally, despite my disclaimer, I haven't changed his name to protect his innocence because well, he is not innocent) received a five year suspended sentence for his attack on me and two police officers. Which means that he is still living below me. The police didn't tell me, Doug did. And as I was leaving who did I see but Andy Lee. Doug was standing right behind me. I turned and waved at him. I wanted to send a message to the Pseudo-Messiah that someone is on my side.

3) My Mentor is avoiding me. I think he promised more than he could possibly deliver.

4) I have received a letter from my Insurance Company (Royal Sun Alliance) stating that they are going to 'investigate my claim further'. Well, investigate away, sweethearts. I only have half the neighbourhood, half Cambs fire service and Doug as my witnesses. I researched them on the net and unearthed some rather disturbing information. Apparently they are in the habit of disputing claims atm because they are in financial trouble. Doubt my claim, my friend and you are calling me a liar. Call me a liar and that is defamation of character. And I (unlike many I have read about) will not back down.

5) The council refuse to hold an inquiry regarding the events on the night of the fire. I remember Jill saying, 'Maybe something good will come out of all this. Maybe they'll listen to their tenants in the future.' Looks like she was wrong on that one.

6) According to a simply delightful gentleman (who attends Christ Church College, Oxford) on a forum I frequent, I have 'manly features' and he's an expert on these things because he is/was a catalogue model. Yeah, sweetheart, and I'm the Queen of England. (He claims to be studying law, yet appears to be barely literate. I think the media may have a point when they talk about the 'dumbing down' of our education system). I'll have more to write about that particular forum in the next entry. Let's just say that some of the stuff that occurs on it is pretty disturbing. I'll include the full text of my Personal Messages. They're quite amusing although, I admit, I did wind this guy up. I wanted to see exactly how vicious he could be. I think I have been unofficially banned so I have nothing to lose.

7) I have an appointment to see a new psychiatrist. Let's hope we can get this mess that is my head sorted out. Dr. S. said he didn't blame me for losing faith in the medical profession after what I have been through. 'Girl, you have no faith in medicine.' Damn straight! The fire exacerbated my pyrophobia. At this very moment I can smell something burning.

Blogmatrix

blogmatrix
Originally uploaded by briekitty.

Highly recommended software - download your favourite blogs and podcasts on this little gem. Did I tell you I've become addicted to podcatching. I'm ready to toss my TV overboard and tell the BBC to go f*** itself. I may start 'podcasting' myself but I'll be using an Ipaq. Would that make me a 'paqcaster'?

Stick Figure

My sister died and was idolized
For half a century. And now
It is her ghost that bleeds me white
I have pursued her for decades
A stick like figure she fades
Into the crowds on the street
The day darkens, horns blare
And the storm intensifies
She is a flickering, ephemeral being
As temporary as chalk on a pavement
Always vulnerable to the next rainfall

Around and around we go
Along the slender, twisting road
A shimmering black ribbon
Stretching out before us
Undulating and unforgiving
This route is familiar to me
She is a bone-dry tree
She has shed everything
In a self inflicted Blitzkrieg
We scramble over the rubble
Over the remnants of her life

As autumn is ushered in
She hides from me
As she hides from everyone
I cannot get near her
She keeps her contents secret
A china doll, softening,
Shrinking; melting into my life.

Losing Faith

As you may have noticed I am losing faith in everyone around me. Even my Mentor. Maybe,in the past, I have placed too much trust in others. In the future I shall view others with wariness until they give me reason to do otherwise (the very opposite of what I have been doing thus far).

That may make me appear a spiteful and bitter little person but it seems to be essential for my own self-preservation and if I can't protect myself then I'm not much use to anyone else.

Angelic?

angel2b
Originally uploaded by Bratcat1000.

There is no angel inside me to release.

A City at Night

No birds remain here
They have taken flight
For there is no place on earth
More lonely than a city at night.
When all doors are shut against me
And here I stand, hunched
Beneath the fury of the midnight rain
Soaked to the bone, the wind
Gorges itself on my flesh and the elements
Show nothing but hostility

I meet the eyes of automobiles,
Watery headlights that shine
Through the darkness, wavering
As if tear filled. And at my feet
Black waters gather.
This terrain plays tricks on me
There is no trace of my shadow
And, as if enslaved by some
Desultory design, this dark city
Consumes me, slowly, limb by limb.

My Fatal Mistake (Continued)

Other worrying thoughts occurred to me. Is Dr. S. using the threat of withdrawing my meds as a weapon; as revenge for an insult to a colleague (or am I being absurdly paranoid - that wouldn't be a first.) As I have already said doctors can be fanatically loyal to one another. Insult one and you insult them all. Dr. H. (the psychiatrist from hell) once threatened to cut off one particular medication he had originally prescribed. And he didn't mean just taper them off, he'd meant that he intended to simply cut off the supply. This was an action intended, I suspect, to punish me for a)Crying in his office - the ultimate absurdity - a psychiatrist who is uncomfortable with emotions; b) Protesting about the way I was treated in hospital in the mid '90s; c) Objecting to the fact that his 'team' didn't seem to be taking my problems seriously. (Problems that they had exacerbated by locking me up, forcibly medicating me and failing to control over-sexed male patients. Once a male patient exposed himself to me in the Patients' Lounge. I reported it to a nurse, a female nurse, who shrugged and said: 'Well, he is ill' - more evidence of that 'blame the victim' mentality again. One would imagine that empathy would be a pre-requisite for a job in the 'caring professions' but apparently not.

I have female friends who have had similar experiences. A case for the re-introduction of single sex wards, methinks. Dr. H. believes that the harassment of a few women in his care is a price worth paying for gender integration. He refuses to acknowledge that any problems exist. He just sections his patients and then leaves them to their fate. His attitude is all the more appalling when one consider the high proportion of female psychiatric patients who have experienced childhood sexual abuse (including me). His threat to withdraw my medication symbolised a withdrawal of approval, a consequence of my having had the audacity to criticise a system to which he belongs.

And I am afraid Dr. S. may be doing the same thing.

Perhaps I should be all innocent and childlike and unquestioning (like a certain fellow female patient). Perhaps I should stop being 'so bloody awkward' (as a former friend put it). Maybe then they'd be willing to help me. But that means I'd have to stop being me and I'm afraid I'm not prepared to do that.

Nations & Nationalism

Nature
Originally uploaded by louisemills.

Ernst Gellner (who died in 1995) was the father of a very good friend of mine. I am re-reading this and recommend it unreservedly. I will give you a complete review later.

Borderland

No feud is enough to keep me from you
I brave the barricades and the border guards
And you appear so near now. I journey
Through memories in dark and restless sleep
A bleak borderland, a stark, dry terrain
Where suicidal strangers meet.

We dwell within the ancient walls
Of a forgotten country, scorched and frozen,
By turns; haunted by a history of hatred
A decimated island on which matchstick
Children stand, tormented by the sun
And praying for death.

This is a vulnerable state, on the edge of hell
Sandwiched between two superpowers
Clinging to an impossible peace
And all around there are pillars of salt,
Crumbling statues of fleeing citizens
Who dared to look back.

The father says, ‘Son, take this gun’
And sends his progeny off to war
And he carves curses upon stone
Primitive and inglorious
Hit by one calamity after another
We are all crazy here.

'I REFUSE to Pose!'

beautybella2
Originally uploaded by rielouise.

What *is* she thinking about?
World Peace perhaps?
The Theory of Relativity?
Who knows what goes on in that little head!

The Art of Forgiveness

I listen to ghosts who hide in closets
Forgiveness is an art and I have not mastered it
I search for resolution but it is elusive
It is gossamer like – floating – always just beyond
My reach. Instead I fix my eyes firmly on old wounds

I am sick with the stench of martyrdom
I cannot stand what I have become
Anger is a special guest on my inner talk show
Midnight – last night – I reached into the dark
Grasping at shadows and listening to

The irregular beat of my heart – like some convict
Pounding on prison walls. I want to set it free
My shell is mangled. There is no way they
Can put me back together again. My inner landscape
Grows silent as I dwell on that same old calamity

My tiny world was struck by lighting
Insecurity intruding – devilish and devious-
Into the whirlpool of the mind. Into the rocky remains
Of my brain. The war within has lingered on
For so long that it has grown tedious.

My Fatal Mistake

I told Dr. S. (my GP) that I suspected Dr. H’s diagnostic skills were flawed and that I’d never forgiven him for sectioning me and then waltzing off on holiday with his wife and six children leaving me in the care of a psychopathic Spanish SHO who immediately doubled my daily dose of Chlorpromazine from 400 to 800 mgs per day. (They don’t call that drug ‘the Liquid Cosh for nothing.) In my notes it states that I was on an average of 300 mgs per day. An outright lie.

I also expressed my concern that the new psychiatrist might arbitrarily change my medication. It has happened before with nightmarish consequences In the summer of 2003 a female SHO prescribed some obscure neuroleptic and I had an allergic reaction to it. My neighbours said later that I looked as though I had had a stroke. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance where I was given an antidote – Procycladine (sp?). ‘I was very grateful for the short letter of apology I received for that little incident.’ I told Dr. S. ‘So short it was non-existent.’

A weak laugh from Dr.S.and then, ‘I think the Efexor is doing you a lot of good but I’m not so sure about the other medication.’ He was referring to the Diazepam and the Ambien. So, now, because I insulted one of his colleagues he may be about to drag these life-lines away from me.

(To Be Continued…)

Tiled Flower

Tiled Flower
Originally uploaded by Bella the Cat.

Random Creation thanks to my not-entirely legal copy of Photoshop (6)!

Spirits

Spirits fermenting within
Belied by external toughness
An outer shell – solid
As rock, protecting
What lay within
You were impenetrable.

I say a prayer for you
In midnight mass
As the seasons pass
As I kneel in the pew
I am one of the few
Left to mourn for you

You are liberated from life
Like a convict freed
Like a slave unleashed
But you don't come back
To haunt me as you promised
And I am almost disappointed.

Ruminating

I cannot stop ruminating over what happened in my two appointments with Dr. S. (my GP) last week. Before the first appointment I was in the waiting room, flipping through a French edition of Vogue, filled to the brim with emaciated models or Lollipop Ladies, as I like to call them – child-women who look like waxen dolls with heads too large for their bodies. I showed it Dr. S. during our appointment. He skimmed through it muttering, ‘She’s too thin, she’s too thin.’

‘Then why is it in your waiting room then,’ I snapped.

Dr. S.said he would keep it in his office and that he might find it useful because he was/is studying French at night classes. I told him that I obtained an ‘A’ for my French GCSE but it was pretty useless because, while my reading skills aren’t too bad, aurally and orally, I’m pretty abysmal and I can just about manage to order food in restaurants and ask for directions. Dr. S. said that was about all he could do at the moment but that he hoped to improve.

And then I made what I fear may have been a fatal mistake.

(To Be Continued…)

Supercilious

Archaeological Dig

I spend my time
Carbon dating skeletons
And uncovering relics
Unearthing bones
Bleached by age
Exhibiting contempt
For ancient graves
There may be something
Sacred beneath my feet
A ruined church,
A crumbling castle
But I have no regard for that

A Viking queen
She breathed her last
On this very spot
And was interred
Along with the bones
Of Pagan devotees
Banished before death
The bountiful land
It yields a harvest
That will form a part
Of a chronicle that lingers on
In the minds of the ancestors

Visiting Doug

Later in the week I paid my usual visit to Doug. We discussed my foolish behaviour. ‘I will not die in the name of some false-Messiah.’ (Neat bit of melodrama for you there). Doug said he had passed Andy on the street and had given him a ‘murderous look’. And it was indeed murderous. I asked him to demonstrate it and I have to say I shall be having nightmares for weeks to come. Anyway, it was sufficient to make Andy turn and scurry away. What a coward.

Doug and I discussed life before the NHS was introduced. He talked about how the poor and dying had to pawn their belongings in order to obtain treatment. His face was mottled with fury when I told him about an ultra-Conservative friend of mine who believes it should be abolished. He remembered what happened when his own father was dying. His stepmother had to pawn many of their valuables and even then they couldn’t afford a doctor (who probably couldn’t have done much anyway) so they employed a nurse who, according to Doug, was ‘huge and red-faced’ and ‘as Irish as a Shamrock’. She did an excellent job of looking after his father though and eased him through his final days. She was very experienced – she had been a nurse out in India. Some very experienced nurses are just as competent, if not more so, than many doctors.

Doug said he found her ‘terrifying’ at first but soon grew to admire and respect her and they remained friends until she died.

New Pooh Mug

Bella (Yet Again)

She shoots like a missile
Through the cat flap
I make it rain, she thinks
And tears at the furniture in frustration

She crouches upon my chest
Her purr reverberates
Throughout the world
Essential to the balance of nature

She is heavy like led
She is an absolute monarch
Or a despotic empress
She must worship me

Her claws penetrate my flesh
I should feel privileged
For they say that the more they love you
The more they cling, the more they lacerate.

Other Things That Happened Last Week

I told Dr. S . (My GP) that I am now desperate to change psychiatrists – a bureaucratic nightmare, apparently.  I have heard a rumour on ‘The Circuit’ that my current ‘esteemed psychiatrist’ Dr. H. has spoken to the police on Andy’s behalf.  I must stress that this is just a rumour.  But the remote possibility that it may be true causes me to entertain fantasies about shoving red hot pokers up the Good Doctor’s derierre.  Not exactly an ideal basis for a doctor-patient relationship.  Even Lisa was disgusted  when she heard.  ‘Do you reckon it’s because he’s another bloke?’ she asked and she is certainly no feminist.

‘Yes, Lisa, that’s exactly what I reckon.’

The Great Dr. H. – admired by everyone except his patients.

‘Never trust doctors,’ a fellow patient in hospital once advised me, lowering his voice so he wouldn’t be overheard by the nurses standing nearby.  ‘They’re bound together by honour and loyalty.  A bit like Freemasons.  In fact, you’ll find most of them are Freemasons.’

I recounted the conversation to Dr. S. who said, ‘That’s very true but I’m not.’

‘Well, we shall see,’ as my mother always used to say.

Dizzy Green Whirl

Dreams Evolving and Dissolving

I know them – the harbingers of night visions
I know the gifts they bring
I know the songs they sing
They take a brush to our canvas
Once empty and dimensionless
Now replete with lines and curves
With colours – primary and pastel
These stark visions – they come alive
Before our eyes – still lives
Images that ensnare
Onions against a chequered cloth
A halo atop golden locks
A gnarled chair; a woman's hair
Hunched old hags and bleeding clocks
Dreams that evolve and dissolve
With the arrival of a cruel and frigid dawn.

Psychotic Slip-Up Saga Continued

Doug walked me back to my flat.  I slipped beneath the quilt and he made me a cup of Chamomile tea.  I drank obediently and clutched my hot water bottle to my chest. Doug sat on the edge of my bed (like a real grandfather) and read me stories – from my own novels, diaries.  Yes, to most of you, it sounds weird.  But hey, guess what, it is weird, because I am weird and most of what I do will be weird so shove that in your pipe and smoke it!

But when he had gone I couldn’t sleep so I didn’t get the oblivion I so craved.  Random thoughts crept through my head.  ‘I was such a brat when I was younger, wasn’t I?’ I said in an imaginary conversation with my mother. I was impossible to punish.  She couldn’t have grounded me because I never went anywhere and she couldn’t do things you could do to most brats like removing my TV from my room because I preferred to read.  (And there really is no justification for preventing your child from reading.)

And besides, I didn’t care what happened to me.

And it is essential that I think my way back into that state.  It is a good survival strategy.

But these words keep flowing through my head, ‘I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman but…but..’

My audience waits, anticipating the words that follow. ‘But..but..’

‘But what?’

‘But nothing for I am not Elizabeth I.  I am not a queen.  I am simply me – defenceless and useless.’

And on that uplifting note, I shall depart.